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OGR 22/01/16
ReplyDeleteHi Brad,
I like the set-up here; the young inventor in the attic, the grumpy landlord, the 'thin house', the magnetic machine - but the padlock is rather inert and underused - it could just as easily be a chair wedged under the door knob, or a plank nailed across the door – and the action is a bit ‘non-consequential’, in so much it doesn’t truly affect anyone – not the inventor, not the landlord. I think you need a bit more ‘causality’ in the mix. Nothing is at stake, there’s no sense that the landlord’s behavior is putting the inventor ‘at risk’ or creating an actual problem.
I wonder if it might work better if the inventor is padlocking the outside of the door when he leaves, so that the landlord is always trying to get into the inventor’s room to see what he’s doing. If, for example, you were to make this story about the landlord and his increasingly frantic/elaborate attempts to ‘look behind the door’ then I think you set up a clear goal, plus obstacles. It would mean perhaps setting things up a bit differently; so, we’re shown the tall thin house with the sign ‘attic room to let’ in the window. We see the inventor turn up, and the sign come down. Next we’re shown the landlord in his room downstairs, he’s in his vest, the blue light of the tv on his face, when suddenly there are some bangs and crashes coming from the attic room; he goes up to the attic room, opens the door, and the inventor is just sitting quietly at his desk – there is nothing out of the ordinary at all! And so this goes on a few times, until next time the landlord goes upstairs, there’s a padlock on the door, and now the landlord is really determined to find out what his tenant is up to… the question for you Brad, is what is your inventor doing behind that closed door..? Suddenly you’ve got the set-up from some lovely third act reveal… By switching the story’s emphasis to the landlord, you create a goal, obstacles, tension and the inevitable build-up towards somekind of reveal.